Woman Seeking Baby Daddy: A Craigslist Ad

Well, I've never used this service before,
but for something as sensitive and personal as this,
I knew there was only one thing to do:
put this on Craigslist.
Woman seeking baby daddy.
But not just any baby daddy, oh no.
This baby daddy has to ride slow
in his mama's dark green Toyota Corolla
and see me walking on the street and roll up
and honk his horn two times until I turn around annoyed
and then he'll hand-crank the window down
and say, "Wuz up, beautiful? You're so beautiful. Come here, girl."
This baby daddy must hit me with as many creepy compliments
as he does uncomfortable personal questions.
For example: "Girl, your skin is so smooth, and your eyes are
so dark and soulful. ... Are you Mexican?"
Must be freaky.
Suggest, about halfway through dinner, and by dinner I mean
after I bought us two beers at AJ's
That we should get my sexy ass back to your mama's house,
cuz she's at work right now,
and when I hesitate, you protest, "What? I didn't mean it like that!"
I would prefer it
if you at least tell me something like
"Ooh, let's not use a condom. I'll pull out before, don't worry."
But it's OK
if you just feed me some line, like you're allergic,
or you've had a vasectomy when you really haven't,
and I'll even settle for you pretending to put on a condom
and never actually having any condoms at all.
I'm looking for a baby daddy
who has it all:
he lets me take a shower at his place and use his old, damp towel;
he drives me to Burger Kind on Tuesdays and Thursdays before his shift;
he occasionally waves to me when I see him at the mall with someone
he will later tell me was his cousin.
I want you
to slowly let it filter into your conversations
that you have other children, possibly as old as 12 years old,
but it would be better if you don't tell me at all,
and I wake up at your mama's house one day
to some crazy woman yelling at you with a baby in one hand
and a knife in the other
and you're telling her to shush so she doesn't wake your mother
Ooh, baby daddy, you'd be the greatest
if you leave the room immediately when I tell you I'm the latest
and you never come back.
So baby daddy, if you're out there,
please respond ASAP.